A new chapter in life.
How do I start? How do I write it all down to make it easier for myself and everyone out there to understand? How do I show that I'm serious about change and improvement? How, how, how? So many questions and yet no answers.
For a long time, since my childhood to be exact, I've been struggling with life, growth, improving as a person, and in many ways like in my well-being, socially, financially, etc. because I've had a hard time mentally. Since a very young age, I've struggled with a lot of mental health issues. I remember it as clear as day the first time anorexia poisoned my mind, body, and soul. I was ten years old and I refused to eat, I starved myself for days and I didn't understand why. Depression and severe anxiety came along not too long after that. I also developed social anxiety which made it harder for me to make friends and stay in school to get a good education, also experienced basic life experiences as a kid and teenager that would shape me into the person I would become later in life. I was never a troubled kid, to be honest, I was a very shy and quiet kid that would always follow the rules both at home and in school. But as I started to grow up and the feeling of not being understood by anyone, not even myself, my mind took over my life. I became very angry, and frustrated. I stopped going to school because of my mental health issues. I never understood what I was taught in school, being in a class full of people made me so anxious that I would start shaking and crying, I could never focus, I felt so lonely, so miserable. I was angry because I never understood what was happening inside me. I had everything I could ask for but it didn't make sense why I felt like I did. I had no motivation. No goals. No purpose in life. Maybe the bullying caused it, or maybe something else did. But everything in my life up until now never made sense, and it sometimes still don't. I gave up on everything, I dropped out of school because learning was pointless. The very few friends I had made over the years stopped contacting me after a year of being so depressed that I couldn't even answer their simple texts. I was isolated in my room for 6 years straight and couldn't leave the house at any point and if I ever did I would have the worst panic attacks.
7 years ago, I became sick with anorexia, I had 2 heart attacks because I was so underweight. And my body just collapsed one day. I was hospitalized for the first time. I was nineteen years old. Since then I've been in and out of the hospital. I can't say that I'm recovered because I'm not, I'm still very sick with my eating disorder.
But being hospitalized I've learned a few things about myself, one of those things was that I've BPD (borderline personality disorder) which was kind of a relief when I found out. It explained a lot of things to me. I may make a whole post about it later on. This experience also helped me realize my strengths and weaknesses, for example, I'm not good with stress or any kind of discrimination when I'm not feeling good. It can also be that I'm very determined and will do anything to achieve that one thing I set my mind to. And for the first time in years, I'm using my determination in a positive way to change my life for the better. To reach every dream and goal I've had since I started feeling the fire of being alive inside me. Proving myself that I can make something out of myself. I can be anything I want. I can do anything I want. I can reach the stars and maybe someday shine with them.
But I'm not going to lie, all this positive energy didn't come in a day or two, it took me years upon years to get to the point of just feeling something for life and change. I was stuck in darkness, and still am for years. I fought so hard, and still haven't started my journey but I'm so motivated to do so. To claim back my life and write my own story.
I also want to thank the love of my life, E, for making me realize a lot of things, and waking up a fire inside of me that I never thought existed. With your love and support, I know life will be kind and gentle to me from now on forward. I love you. Thank you for starting this new chapter in life with me.